I hate this one word, I don’t know why, but I hate it. I hate saying “Sorry” and if I ever say it I mean it, Yes!!… I fucking mean it for god’s sake ’cause it comes out from the far below the depth of my gutter where some words are restricted to speak out. He said with being a bit angry. For some days she had been behaving a bit strange and ridiculous and not interested. He had been trying so hard to make her stay and on the other side, she was taking a step away every time he ever tried. He had been telling SORRY for what he thought might have done wrong ‘cause he had literally believed he might have done something and she might have felt it bad and was may_be, therefore, behaving that way. 

Fuck that then, don’t tell me sorry. I don’t deserve it. Tell someone else. she said and shrugged. Her eyes became watery and her voice husky. She said it anyway.

They were seated in an open cafe near the sound of water gurgling and the beautiful view of the river. It was a winter evening; the cool breeze was making their jaws clutch harder. A dim yellow lamp was upon them; helping to see every bit of one another.   

Why don’t you understand that I’m not playing? I don’t play at all! I don’t know from where girls or assholic boys learn to not giving a damn after many months of talking and promising, and how they start giving NO SHIT just ’cause their one of friends got played. He stopped sighing, however, he began inhaling longer now and continued. I don’t know from where you have gotten ideas, but I don’t play, OKAY! For god’s sake, I don’t. Don’t you understand that huh!! he sighed again. He ran his right hand on his neck as he was being uncomfortable, his left hand was on the round wooden table, almost shaking.  

That was gross, wasn’t it!! You don’t understand that it’s the world here boy, it’s the world of games and the great game is not giving any damn fuck after all of giving too much shit to something. She said cooly and shrugged.

Don’t you wanna fall in love ever!! he asked in a very low voice by getting afraid that she would not say anything. She did it many times when she was in a bad mood or mad at something. It had always been hard to mend her from her moods and once it was done she is a blooming flower; happy and content.

I don’t know, she frowned. Cause whenever I do, that other one messes up with me. They don’t want it till the eternity of this world and at the end or something whatsoever I don’t understand. I till now, have felt that I got played very well for the fuck’s sake.’ (and somehow, I stopped believing in this shit) she kept the last one to herself. However, the word SAKE was their favorite word in an uncomfortable conversation. 

For some minutes, the silence spread and killed them both which, however, used to be very comfortable, and romantic, and even sympathetic. There was this hidden tension between them as both were afraid of losing people in life, may_be not just people but each other – the connection and intimacy so rare that both believed that they might never find another person like this ever again. But there was one thing in her own world or mind, she had thought and believed; it was very common and cool but wasn’t. 

They both were seated on the table nearest to the river from where a great view could be seen. They both liked this view though however, today wasn’t about the view but something else. It was an open cafe and a few people were seated. Two couples, a few boys bragging on something and all at different tables. The counter was on the right side of him almost six meters away. The noises of the coffee machine turning on and off could be heard in the distance and one couple caught their eyes among the miraculous silence; that was created in their hearts and that couple was seated on the far corner of the table just at the edge of the light. The light wasn’t reaching there much, perhaps the lights got broken. So that their faces were in a bit of shadow but their body floated in the blackness. The left hand of a boy was on the shoulder of a girl like protecting and both were laughing about something a girl had just said. They often seemed to be touching each other. And the giggling and laughter could be heard from that corner. They both looked at that corner one after another and it seemed as though it made her angrier to reminisce about these moments of laughter and happiness together. It’s painful and seems impossible to let it go when you get those flashbacks. The next moment he understood she was angry and now, he perhaps won’t be able to mend her mood. His body became shivering – the sweat began popping out soon. His own heart was sinking by looking at that couple.

So did you get me here after everything I said to you about me… and explaining to you for not to believe in that gutter?? She knew he was talking about her miserable ideology of believing in playing emotional games. 

Nope, I don’t. I still don’t get it, she said.

Why? he whispered and cringed that she would go away. He couldn’t hide water coming out of his eyes.  He rubbed his eyes and looked away.

It’s just …um I don’t know…I just believed that …ahm…, Her voice was somehow shutting down, it’s just a game to play.

Who taught you that?

I got it from one of my friends, everyone played with her. And…she always told me … it’s just a game to play. And we are the players, you must be the better one, that’s it. If you don’t wanna get hurt then…, She said and they both understood it clearly. He liked when she tells the truth and becomes honest. They both knew each other so much that so many things they expressed half and both got it just like that. She had worn the navy blue Indian dress and his grey eyes couldn’t resist noticing the combination of both dress and dark sky behind her.  

In fear he asked, may I ask you some….?

She was looking down on the table; hands cupped, fingers crossed and she bowed after a horrible silence of 30 seconds which almost seemed like more than 2 minutes.

Do you really believe it’s a game?

No, she said in a very soft voice. I never believed that. It’s just my friend that keeps forcing me to believe. I have never believed in that shit. she said last words like she was crying and put her hands on her face.

He offered a hug to her and the next moment, she was wrapped under his arms. He looked at her before she set on his bench for a hug, her face was sad and tired and vague. Now, they were sitting on one table in front of the horizon. 

Do you believe in forever? He whispered in her left ear and she hugged him harder. He could feel her touch on his head; his hair being muffled gently. She knew he liked his hair being touched and he rubbed his hands on her wrist and he buried his one hand on her hair and ran his hand on her long hair gently on purpose that everything will be OKAY. An old feeling of content and relaxation ran over them.     

While stretching out from hugging she tried to touch his cheek, and he had to stifle a shriek. He thought she was trying to slap him. Her fingers were wet as always. He could see her red wet eyes which met his and abruptly, she got her control back. She was in the habit of touching his cheeks and kissing a bit on his mouth.

I don’t know, I have to think about it… I have to think about it.

She understood it works like magic. Magic she thought was a lie, and now, realized that lie was in the world of others and not hers. From that moment, she started believing in not playing with anyone anymore.

There’s only one thing to tell and all say it differently and that’s the beauty of being described in many beautiful ways. It’s worth it. Some say it’s bullshit and still do believe in this shit. And that’s the beauty of actions and words, isn’t it??

But, what if I want to shut the fuck up? What if I don’t want it, don’t want this… anything at all? She said. She sometimes freaks out by thinking of the future and everything. And when she does she makes some awful decisions which about, she also had never thought of.

I think it doesn’t make sense anymore. she said. Now, they were seated facing each other.

Who told you this? Who tells you to mess up every time something is about to happen? Why? Why? He was about to scream. His whole body was shaking. Do you fear that I would mess it all up and before I do, you want to make it all happen by yourself – just ’cause that has happened in someone else’s story!! He stopped and gazed at her, trying to make eye contact; to find the truth in her eyes instead of words and she knew that he was telling the truth. She had believed in so many things just ’cause it was said by her friends or in some tv shows or movies or some other person who seemed good and famous or something in such a way that life is lived carelessly and make others miserable by your actions.

Let’s be friends for heaven’s sake, Lina!! He said thumping his hand to the table. We have kissed, YES, for sure many times at least. But what’s this? Can’t we have it at least — just talking, you know? He said. The connection they had was so obvious and true and both knew that. 

No, we can’t. I don’t deserve you. Find someone else, She said eventually.

But I’m not expecting anything…. Anything from you my grace. We can have it for some time …if that’s what you want to, he wanted it till the eternity of times but he can’t let his mouth open as these are frightful and dangerous words and now, he couldn’t make her talk for even five minutes, then how could his mouth say eternity and all.

You want a reason?? The goddamn reason! why don’t I want it!!…then listen. I have got bored of you…I don’t like you anymore. Her gaze said is this now clear? But the expression she made after she said was completely obvious and that was anticipating her to not let it go. Not ruin for her own self.

He couldn’t understand why words say different and eyes deny. Why?

You can tell me if I have told you a bad word or anything you didn’t like that can’t be talked between two normal people…do tell me, please!! He had been sensitive for weeks. Now, there was no ego left in him to talk to her. It was an ego-free zone. He had never talked with anyone that freely and selfless and he thought; if he would not do it now, then he knew the person sitting right in front of him would be gone in a second and he can’t or must not let that happen. He was not in the position to lose anyone or… especially her. He had lost many close friends; some went to other countries or cities for either job or studies, some simply stopped calling after either school or College; he had often thought he should try calling them and even did but there was no effort from the other side, but now, he didn’t care about losing every bit of his ego and letting that person NOT – GO – AWAY from him was the only thing left to do and he must not let that thing happen to him anymore – not in any case. 

After that in a minute, she left the cafe.  The blackness spread around him and his thoughts became white and black and colorless.

Two months later:

He was sitting alone in the same cafe at the same time, same seat; drinking black coffee and thinking he should have done something after their last meetup; at least call her. However, at the end of their last meet-up; she told him she would call him or text him if she is interested. And the next moment he began reminiscing about everything; he couldn’t resist cringing himself from something and repeating the same thing to himself with his hands thumping on the table: I want to forget everything, every shit and every piece that tells me I love her. I don’t wanna be sorry anymore. I wanna hide that shit within myself. I just want to get rid of it and that’s it. But deep down, I know it’s an impossible thing to get over. And I won’t mustn’t couldn’t and eventually shouldn’t. It’s all just being said or thought inside gutter some mind. Now, it seems okay. But could I see the world like this just after 5 minutes? would I be the same person I have become now? Would I stop caring that much after 5 minutes or would I start caring much more after 5 minutes from this current mood of adversity?

I know and don’t know at the same time for god’s mercy what should I do!! Should I kill myself every day for being a dick for thinking that once upon a time I had fallen in love with a girl and can’t live without her or ‘should I venture into the shoes of future?’ Why does this train of thoughts don’t want to stop being a pain in an ass? Why does it matter so much to me? Am I too afraid that I won’t get someone just like her?

And his vague head answered in return: yes, hell yeah. And it’s true you won’t ever get anyone like her. She was and would always be a miracle… A star whose after, you fall deep into the wilderness not only for now and before, but for ever. 

And the next day, he received the text: 

Could I call you?

THE END

– Nikunj Virani